The picture above? That’s where I’m dreaming of being as I’m laying sick in my bed with a pillow over my head trying to not think about this terrible headache, or the truck that must have hit me and my family, or the droning sound of the non-stop rain outside, or that I need to go fix dinner for this house full of sick people…ugh.
I’m ready for warmth, spring, and new life sprouting up and out. I’m ready for the beach. I’m ready to feel good and healthy again, though God remains silent as to if or when that will be right now. Time-outs in life and pain teach us lessons, they say. I’m seeking to learn my lesson so that it can be over with, kind of like I used to in school. But I think I’m failing so far as it isn’t happening very quickly. No instant gratification this time.
I’d like to say I don’t mind the pain of fibromyalgia and arthritis, or that I don’t mind gimping around painfully like a 90-year-old woman with a bad knee that my kids and grandkids now laugh at and find so funny. I’d like to say that migraines make me think deeply about the meaning of life, or that while I’m learning to meditate I can successfully drown out the little recorder in the back of my mind reminding me of all the things yet to be done. So far, I can’t. I want to feel normal again…I want to be that fast, healthy and energetic nurse again who used to help people and make a difference. But instead, I feel like a woman without an identity-and I feel lost.
Maybe that is the piece I’m missing…maybe I’m supposed to just learn to rest and to take a time-out. To accept the pain for what it is and find other ways to cope with it. To find my identity in Christ during this unwanted “time-out” and who HE wants me to be now. To learn to be frugal and grateful when all the bills can get paid and there is food on our table, and I can still walk and breath. To practice clearing the voices in my head when I pray and meditate so that I may one day hear God’s voice rather than my own…maybe I’ll just hobble downstairs and fix supper-and be glad to just “be”… flu, pain, and all. After all, God is in control, that I know.